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Light Hearted Take On Estate Agency Jargon

A-Z of high street estate agent jargon: what they say and what it could mean

A is for Airy
‘A light and airy apartment’ = ‘Broken windows and a hole in the roof’

B is for Bijou
‘With a bijou kitchen’ = ‘Good luck if you own more than one set of plates’

C is for Close
‘Close to the sought-after area…’ = ‘Wrong side of the tracks’

D is for Desirable
‘The property is in a desirable location’ = ‘You’ll probably get gazumped’

E is for Eclectic
‘Eclectic interior design’ = ‘Hope you have a hefty redecoration budget’

F is for Friendly
‘Located in a friendly area’ = ‘You’ll be under 24/7 surveillance from nosy neighbours’

G is for Garden Level
‘This garden-level lower ground property’ = ‘This gloomy basement flat’

H is for High Quality
‘High-quality fittings throughout’ = ‘Has the second-from-cheapest IKEA fittings’

I is for Ideal For
‘Ideal for a first time buyer’ = ‘Just how desperate are you to get on the property ladder?’

J is Japanese Knotweed
‘It used to have a small issue with Japanese Knotweed but it’s all sorted now’ – ‘In few months it’s going to look like Day of the Triffids again around here’

K is for Kitsch
‘With kitsch décor throughout’ = ‘Everything is brown and made of Bakelite’

L is for Low-Maintenance
‘A low-maintenance garden to the rear’ = ‘The garden is made of concrete’

M is for Mezzanine
‘An attractive mezzanine level’ = ‘Odd space that’s totally impractical’

N is for No Onward Chain
‘No onward chain’ = ‘Don’t ask about the previous owners. Just don’t’

O is for Open Plan
‘Living room features an open plan kitchen’ = ‘Your sofas will will forever stink of home made curry’

P is for Potential
‘This property offers bags of potential’ = ‘Do you have endless time, money and patience?’

Q is for Quaint
‘A delightfully quaint cottage’ = ‘The Romans got by without windows, why can’t you?’

R is for Reduced
‘Reduced for a quick sale’ = ‘We’ve been trying to sell this for ages. PLEASE someone buy it’

S is for State-of-the-Art
‘With state-of-the-art features’ = ‘The equipment was the latest stuff when installed in the mid 90s’

T is for Three Bedrooms
‘This property has three bedrooms’ = ‘This property has two bedrooms and a largish cupboard’

U is for Up-and-Coming
‘Located in an up-and-coming area’ = ‘A grubby burger joint just got a good review in Time Out so it’s only a matter of time before Waitrose moves in’

 V is for Viewing Recommended
‘Early viewing is highly recommended’ = ‘We’re pretending these pictures don’t do the property justice and they don’t. It’s much worse’

W is for Well-Connected
The property has well-connected transport links’ = ‘It’s under a flight path and there’s a motorway outside your front door’

X is for X-Factor
‘The bedroom has the X-Factor’ = ‘The bedroom is unbelievably tacky’

Y is for Youthful Atmostphere
‘The local area has a youthful atmosphere’ = ‘Watch out for the teenage muggers on mopeds’

Z is for Zoopla

‘We’ll advertise your property on Zoopla’ = ‘We’re too stingy to pay for adverts on Righmove as well’